week 5 of term 2 and i'm starting to feel the exhaustion creep in. it shows in skipping breakfast and ordering take out, it shows in binge drinking and hangovers and missed classes. it shows in executive dysfunction. i took a day off last week,i missed a couple classes. but i needed to. it doesn't mean i'm slipping, it doesn't mean my education is a risk. i just needed to.
i went to my first AA meeting yesterday morning, i didn't speak up. i cried after. i was very lucky to have a girl to take me and to buy me a coffee afterwards and talk it through. today i ticked several things off my to-do list and left the others alone so i could nap, eat subway, binge watch You with my flatmates. i deserve kindness and i deserve love and i've been taken aback by it twice this week and i wonder if it's because should i truly see and realise how much love i deserve it would break my heart to see how little i have received and how little i have allowed myself to be open to. am i open to love? i'm unsure now. i have experienced so little gentleness, so little sweetness, which kills me because i was such a gentle, such a sweet little girl.
the meeting suggested to me that there was untapped kindness out there for me, untapped love. and that it was okay for me to lean into it. but much like school, that's something i've avoided by my whole life. and now it's something i have to face.