God must be doing cocaine

it's been the heaviest two months i've known in a long, long time. but i think it's lightened up now, i think i've turned a corner. i'm coming out of it with a little piece of knowledge about myself, a new job, a new awareness, a new responsibility and a whole lot of new possibilities and opportunities.

i didn't do anything but drink the past year and i'm finally remembering that i love love love things.

with some distance, it's still not so obvious

i spent so many years house bound that my muscles didn't so much deteriorate as never develop. when i started running in 2012 i couldn't even run for thirty seconds straight. it was mortifying, heart breaking that a teenage girl couldn't even run for the length of one verse and a chorus - my goal was to eventually be able to run for the length of one song. not much to ask for, right?

a lot of hard work, commitment, determination, showing up for myself. swallowing pride and perfectionism. last summer i was running a mile, aiming for faster and longer. excited to go, feeling free, feeling so fucking proud. built up those muscles and expanded my lungs and sweated and kept going.

in October last year my life changed. i stopped running because i had no time between commuting for hours to train in London, working two jobs at home, trying to rest. i can no longer run that mile in that same time. that really bummed me out. the feeling of wasting, of hoping to no avail, of never getting the change you want, need, deserve, dream of. i had a lot of let downs in the past three months alone. started to think what's the point, right? i try harder than anyone i know for a silver lining, a scrap, and it's always taken away. it never works out. it never lasts. am i dumb to keep on hoping? i started to think maybe i was... but honestly? i know what life is like without hope. and i'd rather be a hoping fool for the rest of my life than live without it.

today i went for a run around the reservoir. my endurance has taken a serious knock back in 9 months. but y'know what? i kept on hoping. i think about teenage me, the bottom rung of the ladder. after a week or two of trying, i finally felt my body slip back into that rhythm today. feet pounding pavement. raindrops on eyelids, in curls. trees breathing with you. developing. i run for songs on end these days, i have done incredible things. i am still developing, i am still showing up.

i am still here, hoping.

(i've been trying to come back here for a while. but had no idea how to put into words the huge change, shift, the huge commitment, let down, heart break, dream, letting go process, disappointments and positive affirmations that my life has been for the past 9 months. i will never be able to put it into words. but i had to write something to acknowledge it, so i can write about my daily little musings like i used to, without the weight of how my world changed and still somehow, didn't.)

Far from the shallow now

From the beginning to the end, this year has been dreamy. Soft dreams, fever dreams, stress dreams. A couple from the very end of the July to the very beginning of October were nightmares. A couple of them were dreams come true, but the realisation was lost on me because I spent so much time in the clouds. As a result I wasn't very present for the last half of the year.

But 2019 is the year I get grounded and finally acknowledge the wonderful things I've worked for, gained, earned, manifested this year. Because there are so many and my life has changed more than it's ever changed before - even I still don't feel it in myself yet. I haven't cried for myself in a long time, maybe it's time I started. In the best way possible.

Happy New Year.

I know you know

New life nerves

from october i'm going to be commuting from my home town to london twice a week to train for three days. i'm going to be coming straight back to work weekends, then the next two days i'll be helping create and rehearse a project for january. my life feels like it's about to be set alight, but with some beautiful beautiful happy fuckin flames because it's my dream life. although it's giving me diazapam level anxiety