Summer games

i found an entry in my journal dated the 14th of may, two months ago. a month and a bit ago i was at a wedding that changed my perception on how i tackled an opportunity i was scared of. a month and a little bit less ago, i was at my first audition for the opportunity. two weeks and a bit ago i left my job, two weeks ago today i did my second audition for the opportunity, a week and three days ago i found out that i was successful in that opportunity and will be going to LDN later in the year. it's been a mad month.

it's been a month and a half (especially this fuckin Cancer season) of being faced with the past and the future immediately. both really vying for my attention and both of them overwhelming. things got really dark, worse than dark, things simultaneously got very clear-headed.i was very rational in what i decided i would have to do if i didn't get in. my whole life experience has taught me not to want, because i don't get it. i never have. but i wanted this, more than i could say. and i'm so proud that i showed up for myself, again and again, even when i was frightened.

here's what i've been listening to:

• summer games - drake
• watch me fall apart - sarah jaffe
• my baby needs a shepherd/ red dirt girls - emmylou harris
• piledriver waltz - alex turner
• hot knife - fiona apple

reading 

• the water cure - sophie mackintosh 
• the handmaid's tale - margret atwood (and watching)
• i am i am i am - maggie o'farrell