contendedness

after class i went for a walk around * and got some fresh air. i had a bit of a weird moment that i'm sure all previously busy-to-desperately-get-out-of-brutal-living-situations and clings-to-social-interactions-to-ignore-the-creeping-darkness-within humans have experienced in lockdown - i feel like i'm wasting the day. i feel like i'm wasting away. i have nobody to witness me, so do i exist? and then after the walk, once i got back in bed and read for a while, i realised i was exhausted. now i don't believe in napping and only do so after surgery or COVID-19 last year or a brutal hangover in a desperate bid to get the vomiting to stop. and i was there in my peaceful room. doing what i need. reading 'trick mirror' and 'my brilliant friend' and also 'the debutante and other stories' and laying in my beautiful soft white bed and stretching out... i felt peaceful. i remembered that i'm learning. i'm in the midst of discovering. i'm also in the midst of a global pandemic. 

so i cut myself some slack and i climbed into my bed and i took that nap. and i woke up an hour and a half later and felt

content