sweet ophelia

performing is disregulating - the high before the show, the other worldly experience during the show, the high after the show. and then you're so high and disregulated and your nervous system is crying out for regulation and so you run for a few glasses of wine or a bag of coke and then you do it over and over again. i can't do that. i know i can't. and last night i saw that, i realised why i was always jumping into addiction behaviours whenever i was up or down - because i was trying to regulate. 

so i woke up this morning (after regulating with a take out burrito) feeling deflated, a little sad, disappointed. it's been a longggg week. so i let myself do what i wanted to do today, which was very little. i picked up my meds from the pharmacy in the village, got an iced coffee, came home and spent the afternoon tidying and cleaning my room. folded laundry. listened to podcasts and true crime on youtube and did some journalling this evening. i have the flat to myself so i plan to watch something on tv, eat a good dinner and keep on regulating myself without running away. without chemicals. without shame. just feeling it, being kind, doing what i feel,