sexy bby

 why is it when you use the term 'addict' people don't trust you?

that is perhaps a rhetorical question because i know why. i do. but i have agency. i should be able to feel how i choose to feel about letting go of 16 months of sobriety for four days. i should be able to decide how i feel about that. 

a little sad and vulnerable? yeah. but sobriety is the only way for me to go because i turn into a different person when i drink. i don't care about anybody around me, i only care about the next glass and i hate that. sobriety and recovery has been the best thing i've ever done in my life. 

but i'm in my fucking twenties! i'm an intelligent thoughtful young woman who pulled herself out of a cycle and made a brand new one. i'm proud of myself. and i'm not beating myself up over what happened. i don't see it as a big dark sad relapse.

i was so BORED. i was so fucking bored. i was boxed into a routine of school and washing and food shopping and going home alone and not going out. and it turned into a pressure cooker and i drank. and i'm not going to continue. and i don't see why i should feel shitty about that just because people are worried. 

i am so deeply appreciate of everyone who loves me enough to worry. i am so so deeply grateful. but i want to be able to feel how i feel. i want to be able to say without being told i'm in denial or i'm really sad deep down that i was just fuckin' BORED and made a dumb decision.