Vitamin D

someday i'll write to you and i'll have a few more scars. i'll have different roads and routes and roundabouts mapped out in my brain. i'll sing songs i've written about things i can only imagine. i'll have had a whole lot of happiness, and hopefully, only a little more sadness. that's always been the plan, that's always been why i write. to paint a path away from pain.

summer is coming. it leaves freckles on my arms and invites vitamin d into my blood stream. it always makes me want to wear amber and smell like jasmine and lighten my curls, play 'santa monica dream', drinking beer and getting high in the garden. makes me wanna lay down in abandoned drained pools from the old houses up in the countryside.

i've been reading and thinking about orange groves and olive trees. i'm going to leave my job soon.

Gold in my veins

i've been trying to write here for months but the words haven't really come. i got myself a job that gives me good hours and a different kind of art project to keep my hands busy in the winter. last week i took a train and sat in a room in a future that i imagined when i was fourteen. the roles were switched and some of the details were off, but i'm growing into the woman i always imaged would be sat in the isle in a yellow sundress.

i have a tendancy to get drunk and search for a party a little while longer than everyone else. but watching all these young women move on with their beautiful, messy lives made me realise that i needed to do that too. and i hadn't moved on for a long while, not since i combed all of that fucking glass out of my hair from two thousand and sixteen.

so i took another train down to holloway road and i auditioned for a big deal. and whatever the outcome, the process was vivid and bright and i'm starting to see my future carved out in little stars ahead of me again. i missed them.

i'll write more soon xo