i spent so many years house bound that my muscles didn't so much deteriorate as never develop. when i started running in 2012 i couldn't even run for thirty seconds straight. it was mortifying, heart breaking that a teenage girl couldn't even run for the length of one verse and a chorus - my goal was to eventually be able to run for the length of one song. not much to ask for, right?
a lot of hard work, commitment, determination, showing up for myself. swallowing pride and perfectionism. last summer i was running a mile, aiming for faster and longer. excited to go, feeling free, feeling so fucking proud. built up those muscles and expanded my lungs and sweated and kept going.
in October last year my life changed. i stopped running because i had no time between commuting for hours to train in London, working two jobs at home, trying to rest. i can no longer run that mile in that same time. that really bummed me out. the feeling of wasting, of hoping to no avail, of never getting the change you want, need, deserve, dream of. i had a lot of let downs in the past three months alone. started to think what's the point, right? i try harder than anyone i know for a silver lining, a scrap, and it's always taken away. it never works out. it never lasts. am i dumb to keep on hoping? i started to think maybe i was... but honestly? i know what life is like without hope. and i'd rather be a hoping fool for the rest of my life than live without it.
today i went for a run around the reservoir. my endurance has taken a serious knock back in 9 months. but y'know what? i kept on hoping. i think about teenage me, the bottom rung of the ladder. after a week or two of trying, i finally felt my body slip back into that rhythm today. feet pounding pavement. raindrops on eyelids, in curls. trees breathing with you. developing. i run for songs on end these days, i have done incredible things. i am still developing, i am still showing up.
i am still here, hoping.
(i've been trying to come back here for a while. but had no idea how to put into words the huge change, shift, the huge commitment, let down, heart break, dream, letting go process, disappointments and positive affirmations that my life has been for the past 9 months. i will never be able to put it into words. but i had to write something to acknowledge it, so i can write about my daily little musings like i used to, without the weight of how my world changed and still somehow, didn't.)
