This Christmas i have reminded myself a couple of times that it is simply a day and i do not have to do everything in power to be seen to be witnessed, that i exist even if it's just me and my mum in the living room that we've spent twenty years in. and it helped. everything is different and coming home for christmas with n like we've always dreamed about - we got out and we choose when we come back - has been beautiful. i have nothing to run from and i know full well that life will continue to grow and develop and be beautiful and one day i won't be here, doing this christmas, with j & g on christmas eve in the same way. i think we will always come back to that christmas eve but i think sometime in the future my mum will be in a bigger, safer, warmer house. with high ceilings and big windows for light. and she'll have someone to love and appreciate her, who makes her howl with laughter and who drives her wherever she wants to go. who keeps her safe. and i'll come back to a bigger christmas, with a bigger family, with my own family. and it will be even more beautiful than this is.
my hair is blonde and long, my skin is good because it treat it good, i'm a couple stones lighter and fit into some beautiful jeans again, some beautiful jumpsuits and dresses. i'm vaping too much, but i'm christmas warm sober and i'm dancing every day, moving my body and feeling it without judgement for the first time in maybe ever.
i am so grateful for all of this. for my two homes, for my sobriety, for my mum saying i was the best she's ever seen me on christmas eve, that i laughed the most i ever have, even though normally i'm two sheets to the wind. i'm grateful for N, for M, for my girls. i'm grateful for all that's happened. i'm grateful for my car and my cat son. i'm grateful for all of it. for school and school friends. for all of it.
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